Before I Had It So Good…

I’m in a lazy state of mind but the strong coffee from the convenience store around the corner is keeping me wired and interested in the article I’m reading. It’s about a new sykscraper that going up downtown. It’s supposed to be completed in a few years. By then I’ll be gone from here, and I as I wandered back into the comfort of that nice memory a bike messenger hit me, completely blindsided me from the right. As I got up and dusted myself off I outstretched my hand to what appeared to be a beautiful girl, one which had flown right into me spilling my strong coffee all over the sidewalk. After some customary concerns and pleasantries were exchanged she invited me out for some drinks later that night, at a bar across the river. I was twenty minuted early, but I wanted to get a couple of seats at a small table so I could hear what she was saying to me. Simply put, my hearing ain’t so good, but I am a good listener, if I can hear what’s being said to me. Anyway, three beers later in walks my girl, in the hottest outfit I’ve seen since I left Cali. She had a tight white t-shirt on with a picture of the band ‘The Runaways’ on it, I don’t remember anything else, except it’s a week later and she’s moved in with me. Nighttime is quiet now. We keep the widows open to feel the cool breeze and listen to the street four stories below. We talk a lot, but sometimes not at all. Behind everything though, each calm day and long quiet night a ghost hangs silently over me like a canopy in the desert. Somehow I lost the ability to enjoy good fortune. So quickly so soon after the last situation, which I have thoughts about still, thoughts that make my heart race. I can handle new love, I must, because to lose this girl so special and now, I can’t do that. I’ll bear these memories and this time for now. Keep my focus on what’s before me. Not on what came before I had it so good…   

I Could Have Her All To Myself

What is it with the way people look at you when you’re walking down the street. I saw this older woman look at me in the most curious fashion in the half-second that she saw me when we passed each other on Vine the other evening. She had on a red scarf and a white jacket with gold buttons. Her hair was black and in a ponytail; mine was long and greasy. I was hungry and thirsty. Not tired just agitated to some degree. Four birds huddled around a puddle with a newspaper in it. Swelled up with water, ink runny and unreadable. Some guy at the corner is playing a plastic can for some bread. He’s good. I sit on a stoop and listen for a bit. I suddenly feel completely alone. I take out my phone and call a friend. She reads her books for school in in a park by my apartment. I saw her there one day and we chatted briefly about the book she cradled in her arms and lap. It was an art book. And the page it was opened to was filled pointillist paintings. So many colors, and I began to think of the sea, late afternoon in the winter, clear and deep and massive and silent. We spoke for about twenty minutes. She told me how she felt about the war, and how it had impacted her life. I told her I was sorry and gently kissed her on the wrist and hand. She smiled. It turned out to be a glorious day. First seeing the clouds sweep past the hills back East, toward the shore. The waves were low but a current stong and vast kept us moving farther and faster. Out for the night to find a place that was quiet where I could have her all to myself…

About The Future

I’m too hungry to write I’m satisfied the clouds are overhead today. She sleeps a few blocks down, away from the beach under an electric blanket. It’s that cold out here I’m still hot from earlier I wonder if she’s lying awake. Her second floor apartment was nice. The cat has claws however buttery soft brown fur. I can’t tell you why but I feel like I finally got to her. Maybe that’s what she wants me to think, make me let my guard down. Eight o’clock in the morning and I want a beer. And a smoke. And another round with her. I hope my cousin got home OK, we left kind of quickly. The noise from the speakers in the dark room made me not want to cross the dance-floor to say my goodbyes. I’m coming back to see her tonight. We’re going to watch a movie about the government or something. God, she lives far from the train. I finally make it to the corner. The highway is empty and it starts to drizzle. I put my black hood on and walk toward the station. I love this sweatshirt. The wind whips around the parking meters and the tall grass in the sand. Music soothes my sore muscles and works my brain into focus. I button up my coat. She told me that she didn’t like to fly but she wanted to go to Fiji so she was saving up to buy a boat. I take off my headphones. The silence of the morning sounds like feedback thick and very loud. The waves rush and crash in the distance. A streetsign bangs against the newspaper machine it’s chained to. I take a seat on the curb, watching a pigeon drink happily from a puddle, thinking about the future…

How Alive I Feel

The relevancy of my attention becomes less and less as the evening progresses. Why she agreed to this night is beyond me, unless I am misreading nerves and shyness as perceived ambivalence. You know of whom I speak. She has long brown hair and a fresh tattoo of a mermaid along her left side. The lights in this nightspot are too dim. I cannot see her well enough. Although, I feel she is looking right through me. Why else would someone ask her out for drinks? She must know my intentions, my dull dreams and aspirations. Youthful cravings not satiated by drugs or drinks, only time. Her dark skin is so so smooth. Each time she blinks the smoke out of her pale green eyes, her eyelashes, long and curved, bat me farther away. I am on an island in the tropics. The trees are velvet and the sun is blown out. Black as night, my heart pumps blood. I do not trust the locals. The bar is crowded, but no one else is here. We speak quietly. The music is slow and mellow. I ask her if she’s enjoying herself. She leans over me and says yes, reaching across my body for her pack of smokes. I place my drink on the bar, and gently take the cigarette from her hand. I inhale, and tell her how alive I feel…  

A Cool Pool of Water

Ok it’s cooler now and I can think again and I can write to you again…That was a bit rough I don’t remember much except that we bought that painting in the square. The one with the yellow paint was nicer in the sunlight but the one I purchased will be worth much more. Knowing her she will probably break it or ruin it or sell it and leave me. Does it bore you when I speak like this? Oh, don’t be so easily rattled. She distracts my detatched mind. Dump trucks and cranes can build buildings I will sleep in. The air feels cleaner up here, as if whoever upstairs just returned home from a long trip and flipped on the air conditioner. I think I’ll take my shirt off. No, that’s not a tattoo just really bad sunburn. I know, I had a girl’s leg draped over me. From the nape of her creamy neck to the underside of my foot we were slowly cooked. Pass the aloe. I was once at a party on the West coast and I sat on a inflatable chair right next to a giant aloe plant. I saw her there and she told me she had been doing a lot of cocaine and was really enjoying it. She asked if I had any, I remember it like it was yesterday and it was about six years ago. I pictured us having a conversation in the bathroom. I leaned back in the chair, next to the aloe plant. I closed my eyes and the stars told me a story that made me want to jump off of a cliff into a cool pool of water…

The Vast And Murky Water

Let me know if any one person in the world right now has hope. I am at what seems like an all-time low. The thick summer heat is holding me close telling me it will not go away until December. What warm water carnage will be unleashed in the coming weeks. Maybe none whatsoever. I am possibly losing my mind in this humidity. I live in a dense valley of haze. We are lost at sea. I am landlocked and beginning to feel my self inside my skin. The noises have subsided and that scares me. A message was sent and received but not followed. How helpless can one become in a land where we are supposed to be in control. I am certainly not. Petty drivel about love and lost direction. I made a left at an intersection and witnessed a lady on a motorcycle go headfirst. I reached out and there was no one to take my hand. I have finished the lesson and have reached the end of yet another line. The sun sets quietly and will someday explode. I should take time and realize what is good in life and that is what will keep me going. I like being here right now. There are beautiful creatures throughout the vast and murky water…

Which Way To Go

As my cigarette burns a hole in her picture I sip my drink in disgust. I walk over to the ashtray and pick up the photo. God, she is pretty. I’m upset now it has a hole in it but why should I be? I should burn it. This picture is the sun I flew into. My wings melted like ice over liquor and down I fell fast. Burn it, those memories will dissapate like the smoke from my cig. Keep it, and remain in this cell. I exhale and listen closely. I hear shouting on the street as the record runs out. The needle slowly bounces off of the label. I’ve got to get myself out of this level. I should get my keys, and go downstairs to the bar. Nah, not that place again. My thoughts slither through senarios I will not play out. The poison in my veins is strong but it won’t kill me. That’s unfortunate. It’s too hot outside. I can’t think. My pen has run dry, I can’t even finish this letter. Someone must please save me. The pressure is crushing. My boat has been destroyed by the storm. I am far away from where I was. I am wandering alone. The girl in the picture can save me. Yes, she can take me home. She can listen to my nightmares and my dreams and tell me which way to go… 

Sleep Alone Again

Without many options at my disposal I decided to let a friend of a friend pick me up at about 10pm. I gave her directions on how to get to my apartment and to my suprise she already knew where it was. I had no recollection of meeting her and I was certain I would remember given the indisputable fact that she was heart-stoppingly beautiful. She smiled slightly, silently understanding my situation and, if I’m not mistaken, finding herself  attracted to me. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. Her car was black with white interior, and made by a manufacturer in Italy I had never heard of. We raced away, my driver with a cigarette between her lips and my life in her hands. People crowded the streets along our route to the club downtown. The city was outside and sweating in the August heat, alive and violent and hungry for action and entertainment be it legal or illegal. I preferred the latter, and had several means to escape my poor excuse for existence in the left pocket of my jeans. This would be a night to remember. My driver and I made small talk about common aquaintences and she continued to smile slyly. I found this unnerving and engrossing at the same time. I was falling fast for this girl. Time dissipated into the night air. Her green eyes sparkled and reflected the city lights and I tried not to stare. I don’t ever want to sleep alone again… 

Uncivilized World

The light has yet to show its face. I stand at the agreed location hoping to gain some advantage I absolutely could use. I’m in way too deep. Blood boiling demons dancing in a frenzy on my psyche clenched fist I spoke my mind. My throat is sore from screaming and my cheek is cut and throbbing. I am wide awake and in control. That is the problem. I feel a cool wave of calm overtake me. Language is my chosen art more powerful than any strength I could marshall. I talked my way into this. The time for words has passed. Where is this fuckin guy? No matter, this fight is warrented, and I will finish what was started. No one may speak of her like that. Again my lust and love has been revealed. Why else would I erupt in violence? A broken mirror a broken bottle a broken heart. Life as even as the horizon line ahead. Blood was spilled and honor defended. She may care or not, I don’t. Out in my boat I could move on. Silently sinking my lure and my secrets. What would I catch? Would it feed me this week? Fill my lungs with smoke and fluid and my mind with fantasy. She will hear of my deeds and react with horror. Appropriate as that may be, I would kill for few things, but she is one of them. Contrary to common wisdom human savagery is underestimated. A broken bottle is a civilized weapon in an uncivilized world…

The Storm That Approaches

In no way was I trying to appear evasive although I would have preferred to answer the question in private. Nevertheless, surrounded by palm trees and polished utensils I commenced with my response. As lunch arrived from the poolside kitchen I mumbled, ”Yes, it’s true one time I drove with her to the coast.” Suddenly, a server in the kitchen dropped some dishes. The truth was out. The admission hung in the air. White clouds converged overhead. This heightened concern over a brief and meanlingless trip made me lose my appetite. I pushed my plate away. However, if I left I would only invite more speculation in my absence. I stewed in my seat, deciding to remain, and ate my sandwich slowly. Yellow flowers swayed in the warm breeze. I sipped my drink. My mind plunged into the depths of daydream. I cannot live a life such as this one, surrounded with people such as these. People who delight in the details of my mundane existence. At least to me, none of this matters. What matters is love and life and endless conversation. A face as beautiful as the imagination behind it. Later, at night in my room overlooking the lagoon I write on hotel stationary. A poem of dark intentions and pain. A memory of a time when the sun was black and burned my eyes forever with a vision too pure for this devilish world. Remember to breathe. She sat beside me quietly singing along with the song on the radio. Her voice was like a stream over smooth rocks like she cared that I thought so. For a moment I felt her leg against mine and I knew what a war could be fought over. Her friends with feinged interest made small talk. With crossed eyes and futile wonderings they have succeeded. From the still and polluted waters of the past they have dredged a dead and decomposing body. A time without meaning or significance has been dragged into the patchy sun of a poolside conversation. This horrible and cursed world. Out of reasons to continue on this path. The night will no doubt contain detachment and introspection, though I can always escape. A moonlit walk on the beach. Deal with your demons alone, for no one can understand how difficult your journey has been. Only you can. I need not speak with her again, my dream and my destruction. My lust and love for her exploded through my eyes undesguised and severe like the storm that approaches…